attitude of gratitude

1. taking a half day to continue my healing

2. napping with my baby in the mid-afternoon while the world went on

3. getting back into the homework saddle and getting some assignments knocked out tonight

4. listening to my two loves snoring away in the bedroom - I love when we are all home and cozy and safe.

5. reese's pieces in my glass pumpkin candy jar. is there a more delicious way to eat peanut butter and chocolate?

one step at a time

well, tomorrow is when i step back into the real world...for at least a half a day. i am taking this reentry slow...there is no way i want a relapse, and i am still so very exhausted. so...i can only do what i can do. one little step at a time.

1. home sweet home

2. the great pumpkin charlie brown on tv

3. sharing hard earned mommy information with a new mommy friend

4. mom's safety getting to nashville

5. sleep sleep sleep

tired, but grateful

tonight, i am not sure how i am feeling. over the last two months, i have wore myself to the bone. not blaming a soul, my life is way too full. i have a baby that needs to be cared for most attentively night and day, and she deserves that. i have a job that is demanding and fast paced, as well as laden with mega-germs. i have two masters courses that i have to get through. i have a home to keep, a husband to stay connected with, cats to feed and care for, among countless other responsibilities. as my mother would say, i am chief cook and bottle washer. and i let myself go. i am at the weakest i have been in as long as i can remember...maybe the weakest. funny, because when i think back to a year ago, i was at my strongest, and i was carrying my child. something has to give, but nothing is going to give. my child is here and needs care. my job isn't going anywhere, nor the demands of it. my classes need to get finished somehow in the next few weeks. even with the help from my other half, it is still too much. so, i need to tred lightly. i need to take better care of myself. feed myself. rest myself. love myself. because if i don't, i am going to go downhill fast. faster than i have in the last two weeks. so, i have resolved tonight to just take it one day at a time. i must just take it one day at a time. whatever i can fit into that small space, i will fit. if i have to drop it, so let it drop. i am not a superwoman...i am so not trying to be. these are life things that have to be done...child, work, school, home, relationships. there is no balance right now, and i really loathe that, am so not used to that, but have to accept it and just take each day as it comes. these classes will be over in a few weeks and i can breathe for a short while before my last two begin. the holidays are coming which will give me some much needed time home with my little family doing nothing. so for now, i will get by. i can't be asked of anything, i have nothing left to give....and if i had it, i have to give it to me. my body and spirit are parched, i tell you. i am bone bone dry. it is time to fill me back up again, because i would hate to see what my body would really do if i don't start taking care of it.

here's my five for this sunday:

1. pajamas all weekend

2. being taken care of all weekend

3. sleep

4. medicine

5. that smile that just keeps me going

monday gratitude

oh, i need to find the gratitude today....long day!

1. a generous sister

2. a quiet home

3. a daughter's smile

4. a husband's help

5. home. home. home. home. home.

tuesday's gratitude

attitude of gratitude
1. early morning epiphanies about looking at things from the outside...and what happens when you are stuck on the inside of things and can't see your way out...still ruminating...

2. pink sunrise

3. surprise hair cut appointment...scheduled and paid for!

4. baby laughter

5. getting offline and going to be early. well, twenty minutes earlier than usual...

attitude of gratitude

gonna start this little ditty...gratitude with an attitude...to keep things positive around here...feel free to join along...in your mind...in a journal...on a sheet of paper...wherever. they say that the more you are consciously grateful for the little things in your life, they begin to multiply. you invite them in...

1. riding with my old partner in crime to work, swapping war stories and drinking mugs o'coffee

2. lunch on the house from said old partner in crime...food always tastes better when someone else is the chef!

3. mending fences

4. allowing myself an evening free of work...and loving every nanosecond of it.

5. standing on the balcony, looking at the harvest moon and the pines and the twinkly stars above, knowing that it all just isn't that important in the long run...whatever it is.

where has the time gone

holy cats, where has the time gone! it has almost been a month since i last posted! well....perhaps when i share my schedule, it will explain things....

up at least 3 or 4 times during the night to nurse....
5:40 a.m. coffee pot starts a'perkin'
5:50 a.m. alarm goes off just in case i am totally out of it
6:00 a.m. rise and shine
6:45 a.m. get baby around and in car seat
6:55 a.m. leave
7:30 a.m. get to sitter's home, nurse one more time
8:00 a.m. leave for work
8:45 a.m. work begins
run run run run run all day long....
3:45 p.m. work ends
4:10 p.m. leave to get piper
5:00 p.m. get home, nurse
6:00 p.m. eat
6:30 p.m. bath
7:00 p.m. feed cereal
8:00 p.m. nurse and try to put baby down
whatever time she decides to go to bed...then it is time to work on two masters classes or work i brought home.

i realized the other day, when i was feeling like i was fried to the max...that i run all day. from the time i get up in the morning, and i mean out of bed, i am running from one activity to the next without a single stop. i don't even get to sit at lunch or eat at the regular lunchtime because i am standing and expressing so my child can eat the next day. in a cold air-conditioned room off the library where they keep the av equipment. real nice, right? i tried very hard to get ahead on some of my work this weekend, and did a pretty good job. i can't do this for long...i will lose my mind.

i have to try and keep moving forward and keep positive because i have a little one to raise now. she needs me up, deserves me up. she turned 6 months old and i can't believe where the time has gone. she has cut two teeth and she is about to start crawling. she is just a joy, and i cry when i leave her and cry when i pick her up, knowing all that i missed. people tell me that it'll get better, but if i let myself get comfortable, then i will just be giving in that this is just how it is going to be from now on. i simply cannot do that.



for right now though, i am running on empty. with a smile on my face.