Creative Challenge

So, not long ago I watched the DVD, The Secret, and one of the people on the show said something interesting about life. The man said that whatever comes into our lives, we have attracted it somehow; that things that come to us in life, good or bad, are attracted by our thoughts and actions.

Lately, I have been attracted to old school creativity. Knitting, sewing, hand spinning yarn, gardening, cooking, learning to live more organically, etc. Of course the only of these that I have experience with are the gardening and the knitting, but even that I only know how to do one stitch, one item, the scarf. Yet, I have found myself reading people's blogs on the internet who are crafty, and do it for a living in some small way. One girl around my age has even written a book or two about how to live more creatively with your family and children. That kids don't need a whole lotta plastic toys and cartoons to occupy their time. They can be stimulated and use their imaginations that have been wiped out of them by mass media.

I have been attracted to the old school way of living. Growing your own food. Cooking from scratch. Making things that you wear or gifts to give away. Spending time in creativity and authenticity. Going back to how things used to be done. With care. With thought. With patience. With giving it a try, making mistakes, and getting back up on that horse.

This morning I was reading how to make your own mozzarella cheese at home in 30 minutes, and how to dye and spin your own yarn. These are the kinds of things that I want to stimulate my days. And I want to write about them. Teach in that way. Share in that way. Especially when it comes to gardening and getting back to nature and living organically. Yes, there is even a mass media trend going on with that right now, but I am talking about digging in the dirt. Sweating and toiling and worrying about those plants that are out in the elements, alone, doing their thing. To painstakingly put your effort into something that is good for the environment, whether that is Mother Nature or your own home, and something that evokes internal pride and accomplishment. So many young people and even older adults waddle through their days unsatisfied, but not knowing why.

I have caught myself in this lately. And, being a certain age, I have babies on the mind, so I think that once I have a baby things will be different. Well, yes they will, but what am I going to do until then? Keep reading stories on natural births and how wonderful it was for those women? Keep reading other people's lives on their weblogs and see how creative they are while I mindlessly look on? I think that sometimes I have perfected the art of voyeurism, watching other people, reading about their lives, dreaming of how it would be if I could live in that house, have those kids, take those trips, be that creative.

I too have the power to shift my own life in that way. I too could have my own weblog and write about all the things I do all day to stay connected and creative. I too could have a following. I too I too I too.

So what in the hell am I waiting for?

In a couple of days, it will be 2008. I have big dreams and goals for the upcoming year, but none are going to come to pass unless I set some things in motion. None will come to pass unless there is some action involved from me. I cannot control other people and the choices that they make, but I can live my life a certain way that helps others realize their potential and tap into energies and creativity that they didn't know they had. I can be a cause for change too.

I was reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle this morning, the part about learning how to make cheese, and the lady the family in the book learned to make cheese from had a quote from Alice in Wonderland on her bathroom wall...something to the effect of "one can't believe impossible things." The cheese maker said that she used to spend a half hour a day thinking of impossible things, sometimes coming up with six impossible things for her life before breakfast.

So, I woke Bubby up out of his after breakfast nap on the bedroom chair, and told him my six impossible things before breakfast: 1) Getting married. 2) Getting pregnant. 3) Buying a house. 4) Coming up with another source of income so that I don't have to teach anymore. 5) Joining a CSA and living more organically. 6) Coming up with another source of income to take care of my mother.

I do look forward to 2008, but it is all going to come down to my own discipline and determination to get the things in life that I want. I need to get out there and start figuring out some things that interest me in a different way...things that I have passion about so that I can use that passion to help fund my existence. And the baby I will be conceiving in a few months time ;)

So, perhaps I will use this blog to force myself to keep track of all the things I am doing daily to get to my goals. Even the impossible ones made before breakfast. No one else is going to do it for me...and Mary Oliver asks the question...what do you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I don't know, Mary, but I am game to find out. Thanks for asking the question.

Day 22

Celebrating Winter Solstice. Well, I tried to. I have been doing a bit of research on today's significance, and why it has been celebrated as a holiday in many cultures for thousands of years. I really envisioned getting married today, because of the symbolism...the fact that today symbolizes a time for new beginnings. I gave S. a gift, as is part of the tradition. It is a wooden sculpture of two hands folded out as if in giving or openness. And ironically, the lines in the palms look exactly like the deep grooves in the palms of his hands. He was thankful, and he absolutely loves his gift. I suggested that when he has his own office someday, he can put that in his office or on his desk as a reminder that in giving more, we receive more, and to remember openness in heart and mind.

Expanding my family's traditions is how I made a difference today.

Day 20

Today at work I played in a teacher vs. student basketball game in front of the entire school population. I had really been dreading it, because I initially thought that it was women vs. women and men vs. men, but the game was coed, and you only had to be in about four minutes, and the players were rotated. I only played for one rotation, but it was fun. I actually had a good time. Some of my female students told me that I looked so cute because I was smiling the whole time while running up and down the court. Funny because I don't remember smiling at all, I just remember trying to keep up with the girl that I was guarding. I didn't make any points, but I did assist in point scoring. All this gibberish comes down to one thing, the kids had fun. I had kids walking past me in the hallway giving me high-fives and saying "good job Miss A--!" Kids that I had never seen before. Kids who now have a face with a name. And I played less than anyone out there! It was good fun. Taught me to not judge an activity before it happens, because I might just like it. Taught me that we do need to have kids see us as real people who laugh, smiles, shoot air balls, and fall down on their butts from time to time. To get into some street clothes and have a good game of basketball with all the kids cheering us on was great. I volunteered, and that is how I made a difference today.

Day 14

It seemed crazy today. I always get online during my lunch to see what is happening in the world, and my news website of choice is cnn. But today, whew, it was one tragic article after another. And not small change, either. Murder of a lifelong female pastor in her home; father kills wife and two kids; another father kills both kids; a woman chained in a home; man assaults a four year old girl at a park; four men found dead in home; two Ph.D. students found murdered in their home, pregnant wife of found them...and on and on and on. As I drove around tonight to pay bills and get dinner, the streets were packed. Packed with people trying to get here and there in the quickest amount of time. Horns were blaring, gas pedals were being pushed to the floorboards, nobody was patient. I just needed to get home in one piece, so I could have some peace. I love to hibernate in the winter. I am not one for going out into the mobs and shopping for that one perfect gift. This year I did my personalized shopping at LLBean and did my kid shopping at a local toy store. I just cannot stand being out past a certain hour in the winter. I feel tired earlier...I am hungrier earlier...I want to be home and warm and safe and look at my beautiful Christmas trees. I want to see my cats who have had to stay home alone all day. I want to play Scrabble with S. I don't want to be out amongst strangers in the cold, rushing from here and there, feeling anxious, tired, and pissed off at the world, when I am supposed to be home, hunkered down, warm, and cozy. Other animals shut it down for the winter. I do too. Maybe that is what made a difference today...I saw what a mess this world can be, and just headed for the safety of my four walls. And thank goodness for them. It is cold out there, and every time I walk into this apartment, I am so thankful I have a job that can pay for this warmth and comfort. Yes, I want a house, but this will do. I am thankful. I think I will get ready for bed now. I am tuckered. It has been a long week at work, and I deserve a rest.

Day 12

After my conference today, S. and I went to Houli's for some dinner and drinks. We were seated in a cozy, private booth, and we just chilled in each other's presence for awhile. I was thinking of what I was going to write in my "making a difference" post tonight, so I said aloud, "how did I make a difference today?" He proceeded to say that he wasn't here right now to make a difference in the world; he was here to make a difference in his life by making a difference at home. That the world could wait. I think there is a kernel of truth in this.

For so long in our twenties and even into our thirties, we live selfishly. People are getting married later, so you are selfish longer. S. and I aren't spring chickens, yet we aren't aged, but we are concentrating on us right now, and how to better us right now. How to better our lives together so we do this right. We have been together over five years, and in those five years, we haven't always made the best choices. We haven't made the best choices individually, and we haven't made the best choices as a couple. But, we are still here today, beating the odds. We have dated longer than most have met and been married AND divorced.

We have a vision for the life we want to have. We have a collage on our bedroom wall with photos from magazines that appeal to us about the kind of home and life we want to have and live. I started to cut photos out of a magazine one weekend, and I was planning on getting a sheet of posterboard from Meijer. I was surprised when he said that he wanted to cut some photos too, and was even more delighted when I found myself walking into our bedroom after work one day to find a huge collage up on our bedroom wall highlighting the life we imagine for ourselves. It is our dream wall. We have lots of nature...trees and space and natural decor, such as rocks, plants, flowers, etc. We have great cozy rooms, from kitchens to bathrooms to floor to ceiling rock fireplaces. Sometimes I just like to lie in bed and stare at the wall and imagine our life out of this one bedroom apartment, living the life of victory that God has in store for us, as Joel tells us.

The world has to wait. Ok, I can dig that. I can dig that kind of thinking. Let's take our selfishness and redirect it for good for a lifetime. For a partnership for a lifetime. Sometimes I am so excited to have kids just so that our kids can see what a good relationship looks like. With all the hellos we say in the apartment every night, the Scrabble playing, the hugs, and snugglebunnies....our kids are going to live in a puddle of love that two adults have for one another.

I saw in the Mitch Album movie the other night, the mom in the movie was telling her son that she couldn't get pregnant for years after she got married, and the town folk told her that she must have done something wrong. So she went out to a tree in the backyard and carved the word PLEASE into the tree, and low and behold, she got pregnant and had her first son. Please is now my mantra. Please let us afford a house so we can channel our money into an asset. Please let us get married and be the couple who is strong and works against the odds. Please bless us with a child who is half me and half him, all beautiful.

We have waited so long for so many things, and I say please to the Lord, please to the Fates, please to the Cosmos, please to the Powers That Be. We are good people, and live more authentically every single day. We deserve a break. We deserve a home. We deserve a child of our own. I am so excited for what is to come. I am excited we are finally on the same page. I am excited for his excitment. We are a committed couple. We kick ass. We just need to take a step. We have to meet God, the Fates, the Cosmos, and the Powers That Be halfway. Or nothing is going to change for the better. We need to make a decision about something and get to living. So much of me wants to be married on December 22. It is the Winter Solstice, and as I have been doing research on this ancient holiday, I have learned that for thousands of years, it has been celebrated as a time for new beginnings, because the day after the Winter Solstice, the days begin to gradually get longer. Evergreens are given as gifts, because they are green and full of life and the reminder of life and spring. I think it is a fantastic metaphor. I should probably make plans to set that as the date, but here we are under two weeks from the Winter Solstice, and we have made no plans.

So, please. Please. I am ready. Please. I want more. I want to move on. I want something new.

Day 10

I can't even remember what happened on this Monday. I worked...some of it was stressful...I came home and ate and had a few glasses of wine. Researched a lot....I guess educating myself was making a difference. I am broadening my horizons. I was researching having my future baby at a birthing center rather than a hospital. Of course I talked to my mother about it, and she doesn't like the idea. And don't get me started on Aimee. She called me straightaway telling me how stupid it was. Oh well. At least I am thinking outside of the box. Imaging that a painful yet wonderful situation can be more in my control than out of my control. I can decide my surroundings.

Day 9

I ran today. I made a difference to my own heart and lungs and lymph system. I have always been a runner, but in the last five years, I have been so inconsistent, that I cannot claim that title anymore. How unhealthy of me, I know. I swore I would never become that person; that person that was athletically fit for so long, and so dedicated, and then drop it like yesterday's news. I was not going to become that person, and here I sit, that person. It was so crisp outside this morning, so I bundled up and went out. It was so quiet, albeit for the geese flying around honking their honkers. As I watched them, I couldn't help but think of how healthy and innocent they are...how healthy and innocent all animals are. How they have to make a way for themselves every single day they are alive. How they have to find nourishment and shelter and mates, sometimes without success. Survival of the fittest every single day. They were working so hard up there in the winter sky, following the leader, talking to each other in their unique way of communicating. What are they saying anyway? Does the leader hear the honks from the back and respond? Are they just trying to cheer each other on? Do they feel the cold air and does it dry out their eyes? All these things I thought about as I tried to do something healthy myself. I did feel better too. My lungs felt clearer today, and I could feel those endorphins flowing through my body. I love breathing deeply in the winter...the air feels so refreshing. I should really consider being more dedicated to something that is going to help me live longer physically, ground me emotionally, and fill me up spiritually. It is just that simple.

Day 8

how did i make a difference on this saturday.....well, i am not sure. i did all the laundry so s. and i would have clean clothes. i even washed up our snowflake flannel sheets because we needed clean sheets and there is to be an ice storm tonight, so i thought slipping into those warm sheets would be nice. i spent a lot of time chopping up all the vegetables i bought the other day so we could eat a healthy salad for dinner instead of going out or eating crap. not that i buy crap. i watched "One Magic Christmas" while knitting my first ever christmas tree garland, and that made me happy. i just love that movie to pieces. i made the dough for gingerbread cookies for s. and i to enjoy tomorrow while we are iced inside. i browsed the library leisurely, picking out holiday books, cookbooks, children's holiday books and brought home a bag full of goodies. i am just in love with the holidays this year. i feel warm inside. i am ready for that warmth to spread in my life. i am ready to decorate another stocking, a baby stocking. i am just so excited to have christmas take on a new dimension in the near future. s. looked at me at one point today, with a bit of dreaminess in his eyes, and said, "you really want a girl, don't you?" yup. one little girl and the rest can be boys. at least one baby girl.

ok, it seems as if this post took a turn. either way, i pampered myself today. i have come to love my saturdays of independent leisure. i don't feel bad for not doing any work. i don't feel bad that i want to stay home. i don't feel bad for doing everything i want to do and nothing i don't want to do. i am living my life to the fullest on these saturdays. i am recharging my engine. i can be natalie, unencumbered.

oh, i did recycle today...but that is a given. so, i made a difference to mother earth.

Day 6

I was really moved by the latest random shooting that killed innocent victims. This time a mall in Omaha. A teen took a semi-automatic rifle to a major department store, stood on a third floor balcony, and began shooting, killing 8 people. His suicide note said something to the effect that he was a nobody all his life, and now he'll be famous. How sad. All those families. Eight families who did not sleep last night. Eight families who were scared after hearing about the shootings, wondering where their family member was. Eight families who have gifts wrapped and under the tree that will not be opened by that person. Eight families who had life, but because of the internal sadness of one, lost theirs to his hands. And yes, he died too, so it is a loss for his family as well.

So, when the kids were walking in today, and as I was looking at all of their faces, I thought to myself, "someone out there loves you to pieces and would be devastated if you didn't come home today." We are all walking bundles of love.

Day 4

Well, I feel I did better today. I donated a brand new Monopoly game to our toy drive at school. I got the game from my mom who got it from somewhere...and since I don't care to play the game, it has been sitting in the back of my trunk for months. This was the perfect opportunity to donate it to some children who may sit around like my sister, brother, and me when we were little, playing the "family" version of Monopoly. Basically, whatever we landed on and bought, no one else could buy the other ones, because that wouldn't be nice. No one ever said that was how we were going to play, it was just always an unwritten household law. Don't block someone's chance at actually having a Monopoly. We would, however, build up our little Monopolies with loads of hotels so when you did land on one, you were screwed if you didn't have enough money to pay the person. Funny how we play our childhood games differently. I bet there are a lot of people out there that play a kinder version of games just like we did.

Another Monopoly memory....when we were little little, and still living in Chicago, sometimes my parents would sit on the floor and play a game of Monopoly late at night after they had put us to bed. Since I was an insomniac child and never slept on cue, I would wake my siblings after listening to their laughter and talking and wanting to be a part of it, and the three of us would stand in the doorway, trying to keep from being shooed back into bed, and then slowly, ever so slowly, we would creep out and watch them play. They were young, happy, married, and loved to play a game of late night Monopoly from time to time.

May the donated game make a difference in a family's life.

Day 3

Ok, Day 3 and I am already feeling like I am unworthy and not doing enough. I am not making a difference. I am going to have to dig deep. Um, well, let's see...I let my cat snuggle with me on the couch tonight? No...that won't do....that is always welcome. I emailed K. after I promised her I would? Maybe...but it's a stretch. I was tolerant at work. A little. I treated myself to an early evening snooze on the couch....something I never do? That is just plain insular. Well, with all of these things, I guess I made a difference for myself today. I took care of me. I woke up, promptly made a pot of hot, steaming coffee, diligently went to work, came home, took a hot shower to wash the day off me, made a little dinner, cozied up on the couch with A Christmas Carol by Dickens, and drifted off into a light slumber while listening to the world rush around outside. I rested today so I am better tomorrow.

To digress, I caught A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC tonight. I sometimes try and tap into old emotions and feelings when watching something from so deep into my past. I cannot remember a holiday season when I didn't watch it. But, back in the day, it was only on once, and if you missed it, you chastised yourself, cried over it, and begrudgingly waited until the next year. It was not merely on, it was a family event, with everyone in their zip up pjs and popcorn in bowls, mom crying at the part when Linus moves to center stage to tell Charlie Brown what Christmas is all about. Now, with all the cable channels, you could probably watch it fifteen times by mid-December. Either way, I watched it because it is officially December and only a few weeks until Christmas. I had the record when I was a child, listened to it every chance I got using our little Fisher Price record player. The record came with a built in book of the story, so you could read along with the record. I, of course, had it memorized by the time I was old enough to read. I still have it memorized and quiz myself by lipping parts of it every year I watch it...you know, to see if I still got it, as if I am trying to prove something to myself. I do have a small, simple life...

I was glutton for all of those Christmas shows as a kid though. It didn't stop at the cartoons as a small child. It went on into my hormone driven teen years, when I would put toothpicks in my eyes to stay up for the sappy Christmas shows on CBS Sunday evenings, and don't even get me started on Lifetime Television for Women. The sappier, the better. I would crawl upstairs at 11 p.m., still crying that all the kids made it home for Christmas, despite all the odds, or that lone soldier whose wife was staring into a blizzard, and the moment she gives up hope, he walks in with his uniform on, not a wrinkle on it, even though he'd been traveling for days through the terrible Nor'easter just to get home to her...and their baby on the way... for Christmas Eve. Oh yes, my friends, if my eyes weren't red and my nose wasn't stuffed from crying, some writer out there didn't do his or her job very well. I was a connoisseur of sorts. My mother of course would sigh and say, "Natalie, it was just a movie. Go to bed." I would lie there, thinking about the family and how happy they were they were all together and everything worked out. I would look outside my bedroom window, see a star shining brightly in the cold night, and wish that everything would work out during all of my holidays to come. I would certainly be staring out that window for my soldier, and why not?...I learned from the best. Lifetime Television for Women doesn't fuck around.

Twenty-Five Days to Make a Difference

Ok, so I just came across a little girl's website where she is challenging children and/or adults to make a difference every day until Christmas by doing little things in their life that will make a difference. You are supposed to write to her and tell her what you did, and the person who makes the most difference, she is going to donate $25 to a charity of your choice. That money has already been matched by her parents and another adult that saw her website and what she is doing. I think it is so wonderful to just take a minute and think about the good you do for other people or the world amidst all the hustle and bustle of this holiday season. To stop and feel good for the difference you make just by being a blessing to others. So, I need to be cognizant of this idea and write about what I am doing every day to make a difference.

On that note...thinking back to yesterday, I will write about what I did yesterday...

December 1, 2007
I supported my sweetness during a rough time in his life.

December 2, 2007
Even though we had an ice storm yesterday and I didn't want to leave my house, I made a conscious effort to stay home all day so I would not waste the gas and miles on my truck. I took a walk, which was trechorous because of all the ice, and played three games of Scrabble with S. We loafed, laughed, ate, and talked all day long. How nice it was, just the two of us.

So, I will write again tomorrow with what I did to make a difference.