week one, down for the count

my eyes are burning, my body almost limp with exhaustion...i am ready for the night. i am ready to sleep in with my little baby tucked in by my side. i am ready to just be a momma for the weekend. this was a busy week. not overwhelming, but a massive change for us all. we came through alive, but bone-tired.

time to rest. goodnight. sweet dreams.

labor

"i don't think you ought to wear out your life just raising vegetables and canning and doing housework," said jane, who came out for a week end. she reached for a fresh onion sandwich and sipped her drink.

"have another sandwich," i said. i had cut the sandwiches with a tiny biscuit cutter; they were perfect.

"your time is too valuable," she took a sandwich. "you can buy your vegetables and fruit and save all that hard work."

there were many answers and no answers. i put a fresh log on the fire, and filled the sandwich plate.

i wonder what is most valuable to me? it is good to work, i think, and to work simply. to plant funny little shriveled seeds, and watch them grow, and to gather the rich willing harvest as the season rolls around, and then, on some snow-deep night, to feast again on food directly earned by our own labor--this is a good thing. it is valuable. i don't know why i should feel that my life is wasted.

this is an unstable world, kingdoms fall, and kings depart, and new movements begin in art. i am often tired and grieved at the suffering and trouble in it. i wish i could give every family a small piece of ground, and some kind of roof unburdened with taxes. men could fight the squash bugs instead of throwing bombs, and perhaps the golden age would come again.

but these things i do not tell my guest. she goes away feeling that i am stupid to settle down to a house and garden when i might carve out some kind of career.

gladys, you were so not stupid. i would have traded places with you in a minute. you had it spot on. spot on i say.

harvest at stillmeadow, by gladys taber

pumpkin

oh my heart tonight....i am turning back into a pumpkin tomorrow, and it hurts to say the least. how do moms do this? how long does it take to get over this severing (the best word that i can find) feeling when you are separated from your wee one?

i dropped piper off for about four hours today to get some work done, and when i picked her up, it actually felt different. in fact, it felt different all night. even the way she looked at me was different. and she was tired. we have been holed up in our little love grotto for over five months now...not traveling much farther than our front door for walks several times a day. and we liked it.

tomorrow i will be gone quite a long time...a full day's work full of meetings and preparation for the new year, as well as a shin-dig tomorrow night that will take me away for at least two hours. it is going to be a long day for the two of us. so far, she seems to enjoy the wonderful lady who is watching her, but somewhere inside of me, i can't help but think that she is wondering why she is there and where did i go? that is what i felt like today...like she was looking at me with this sad face saying, "momma, where have you been?"

i have cried ever since.

if anyone wins the lotto and wants to donate to my stay-at-home-mom fund...i am open to any and all blessings!

wish us luck tomorrow....off to bed now, to cuddle with my girl.